I am not sure about what I want to do with this one yet. But in time, I’ll most likely add an additional collection of comical ranting stories for my own personal therapy. My wife and I really do take care of an Alzheimer’s patient, so at the moment, it is too close to home to go public with this in a professional manner. Then someday, I’ll put it into a book for the enjoyment of others:
The 5:30 alarm began to buzz and already something sounded wrong. Andy wearily pushed the snooze button and just as he began to drift off to sleep again, the clear sound of a car passed by the open front door down the hall from his bedroom. Andy jumped to his feet in alarm! Winnie was always trying to escape. If she could get out, she could hurt herself. Andy and his wife Wendy took care of her mom Winnie, an Alzheimer’s patient. She would often try to leave the house, thinking that she needed to “go home and save her babies.” Andy ran down the hall to find the front door wide open.
“Oh no, who left the door unlocked!” Andy thought to himself.
He ran back to the bedrooms and the bathrooms to make sure that Winnie wasn’t puttering around in them. They were empty and his mind was racing to worst case scenarios! He rushed past the front room to the living room, and then to the dining room. Nothing! He opened the garage and looked between boxes in case she fell. But, still he found nothing. Finally, he rushed out the front door to the sidewalk. Looking both ways, he could see his mother-in-law Winnie about two blocks away, talking to a woman in her 60’s. The woman had pulled over to comfort a frightened and confused 87-year-old woman.
Who, by this time, Winnie had explained to this Good Samaritan, “please help me get home! I need to get home to my daughter, and a man won’t let me leave his house!”
Andy had heard this story thousands of times in the four years that he has been married to Wendy, and the worst case scenarios that he had ever imagined were beginning to come true.
Andy began to run and call out, “Winnie, come home please!”
Winnie frantically pointed to Andy and said something to the lady. The lady angrily shouted to Andy, “put some clothes on, you pervert!”
Then she began to herd Winnie into her car. That is when Andy came to a sudden stop. He looked down at himself and he realized that the only thing that he was wearing was his boxers and a pair of brown flip-flops.
Andy turned to run back to the house. He grabbed the keys off of the wall hook and grabbed his cell phone off of the end table. He made it to his small Chevy S-10 in time to see the misguided Samaritan pass by in her gray Honda C-RV. Andy started his truck and released the brake. The C-RV ran the stop sign and took a right, heading for the main road. Andy pursued while keeping the truck in low gear to gain some momentum. At the light, the C-RV took a right and sped off. But Andy wasn’t too far behind. The oncoming traffic delayed Andy at the light, but he could still see the C-RV trying to gain speed. Andy took his turn at a small opening in traffic, and then he peeled out to gain momentum. The C-RV continued straight, giving Andy the opening to use his phone. Wendy picked up on the other end.
“Hmmm?” She replied.
“Sweety, wake up. Your mom got out and a lady picked her up!” Andy exclaimed.
He held the steering with his elbow and shifted with his right-hand. “I really need a Blue-Tooth.” Andy thought to himself. Little by little, he gained on the C-RV and he weaved around a few more cars.
“Honey, what are you talking about, who picked up my mom?” Wendy asked in confusion, as the sound of clothes rustling in the background came through on the other end of the phone.
The C-RV up ahead swerved a little as Andy could imagine, Winnie was now wondering why she was in the strange car with this lady. Alzheimer’s, being the ugly disease that it is, it continues to bite at the memories of its victims. Andy had also experienced this with Winnie. Many times he had driven her, only to find her hysterical over being in the car with a stranger. One time, she almost opened the door on the merging ramp from one interstate to another.
“We are headed east on the main road. I think the lady is going to pull over. Call 911!” Andy told Wendy.
The C-RV pulled over to the side of the road and Winnie stumbled out. The lady got out and moved over to comfort Winnie, but she got slapped by Winnie instead. Andy pulled his little Chevy S-10 over and ran to intercept Winnie. Just then, a police officer tackled Andy to the ground and pinned him. Cuffs clicked over his wrists. They were cold on his skin, just above the boxer short line. A flip-flop lay a few feet on the ground from where the officer hit him in his tackle. Apparently, Andy never saw him in his rear view mirror. The lady must have called the police in her flight.
“At least it is my day off,” Andy thought to himself.
The officer introduced himself as Officer Keller, and began reading him his rights:
“Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without an attorney present?”
Andy just laughed at the way that Murphy’s Law had just body slammed him, and he replied, “Why not? Ask away officer.”
“Are you drunk or high?” The Officer Keller asked.
“Do you know this woman?”
“That’s the man! He kidnapped this woman’s daughter and he was trying to kidnap this woman too. Take him in!” The woman with good intentions interrupted, shouting over her shoulder, as she continued to chase after the frantic Winnie.
Winnie started shouting as she ran, “Help! Someone help me! My daughter is gone!”
Andy tried to reply, but the officer helped him to his feet and led him to the police car as he said, “I think that you are scaring the ladies. Why don’t you just sit in here, while I go to help them?” Then he closed the locked back door.
Winnie ran up to the car and began to bang on the window of the front passenger seat and screamed, “Wendy, where’s my daughter! I want my daughter!”
People already had their cell phones out and were pointing at the scene and gesturing to each other. When Officer Keller put a comforting hand on Winnie, she slapped him and tried to push him away. When Keller caught Winnie’s wrists, she lost her footing and fell backward. Keller tried to hold her up to keep her from hitting the concrete.
But the onlookers started yelling, “Police brutality! Leave her alone she is just a sweet little old lady!’
Andy was laughing his head off while still in his boxers and one brown flip-flop, at the irony of the situation unfolded when a news van that seemed to be on its way to another destination, but seeing the crowd and camera phones, made a u-turn in order to investigate. A pretty blond woman in business suit and a microphone, followed by a cameraman and a shoulder camera got out and started asking people in the crowd questions about the situation.
People were still calling out, “Police brutality! Leave her alone!”
Winnie was on the ground trying to bite Officer Keller’s ankle screaming, “Give me my daughter!”
With all of the camera’s pointing at him, Keller did his best to smile for public relations and gently “redirect” her face away from his leg.
With that scene, the pretty blonde news anchor took her cue. Placing the view of struggling cop and senior citizen behind her she said, “This is Tracey Littleton live, with Channel 67 News bringing you this traumatic scene of a ninety-year-old lady, who escaped capture from a naked man who is in police custody and….. At the moment, I’m not sure why she is biting the police officer. Some of the people in the crowd are yelling ‘police brutality’. We will have to review the footage of the eyewitnesses to get the whole story. Stay tuned as we keep you informed of the story of this very unusual situation unfolds.”
Andy could see his wife Wendy pulling up to the scene in her car. He heard a scream of outrage from the car, as she threw open the car door and rushed in to save her mom. “What are you doing to my mom?”
“Police brutality!” Various people called from what was now a mob running their camera phones.
A fire truck and two more police cars pulled up. The sound of a news helicopter sounded in the air above them. The way that this innocent situation unfolded was so ridiculous that Andy was laughing hysterically on the floor in the back of the police car. Winnie saw and recognized her daughter Wendy and called out to her. Officer Keller was able to gently dislodge his leg in a very gentle politically correct manner.
The pretty blond “Tracey Littleton Live” was reporting in her news anchor drone, “I think that the woman’s daughter has escaped captivity, at least according to the perceptions of the crowd. The crowd seems to be convinced that the officer has been beating this woman, but I don’t see any injuries on her. We will ask anyone with footage to please go online to the Channel 67 News web page to submit your footage or to see our cameraman Dave here at the end to upload your videos. Oh look, someone has brought the flip-flop that was lost in the chase that led to this scene. Police have the man in custody right now. We will do our best to get an interview as soon as the man is available to speak. Please stay tuned for more updates”
Traffic cones and flares were being distributed to protect the crowd and another news helicopter appeared on the other side of the police car. People were beginning to chant, “Police brutality! Police brutality! Police brutality!” People were stopping their cars in the street just to get out and look while officers were directing people to get back in and move on.
Then Wendy stood up and pointed to the police car, shouting, “That’s my husband! This woman is my mom! She has Alzheimer’s” Then Wendy leveled an angry glare at Andy in the car and yelled, “What are you laughing at?” The crowd and “Tracey Littleton Live” went silent. Officer Keller put his hand on his face and rubbed vigorously. The lady who gave Winnie a ride made an “O” with her mouth and just stared at the ground. Andy froze.
The officer retrieved the flip-flop from “Tracey Littleton Live”. Then he came over to let Andy out of the car and take off the cuffs. He handed over the flip-flop with a glum look on his face. Winnie and Wendy clung to each other as they walked to the car. Andy kissed his wife and apologized for the laughing, then he held the door for his mother-in-law, then his wife. Finally, he took his undeserved walk-of-shame in his boxers and brown flip-flops in front of three live news cameras, and twenty camera-phones to walk to his truck and drove to follow his family home.