Mr Sweet Cheeks

Here is a little sample of what is to come from my book. When I go to list my target audience in my query I’ll just say: “Fans of South Park and Lord of the Rings” Mic drop!

After school, I go to my favorite roof-top and form the image of a raven in my mind and change. It takes me about ten minutes to locate Meriel. I land on the roof of the school and veil myself from sight. She is waiting on the curb with two other girls, but since I have known them since grade school, I know they are human. A car pulls up and Meriel gets in. The driver greets her, but not in a way that tells me that he is a relation of any kind. But she doesn’t give him an address or any instructions. I stay in my veil until they begin to move.
As they pull away in the car, I fly to follow. They drive north for twenty minutes passing by farm fields until they enter a gravel road that meanders through pine trees. They pass other large properties, many of them are horse properties. Until they come to a large forest covered estate in the shadow of Mount Emily.

I land in a tree and I change into my black cat form. In the cat form, I can see magical wards around the property and invisible magical constructs that act as sentinels against intruders. If I had attempted to fly into that property uninvited, I would be captured or dead, most likely dead though. The car pulls up to the front entry of the main house and Meriel gets out and enters the front door. I can see Amra through the windows as she greets her. Over the years, I have learned to read lips and to speak in the elven tongue. Which is useful at the moment because Amra are speaking elvish and they are looking out at the scenery.
Amra asks Meriel, “How was he?”
“Brian was shy and self-conscious. I laughed at his attempts to make jokes and put him at ease with himself. I think that he is very enamored with me.”
“Good, I am pleased with you.”
“I also should tell you that I saw your brother and his guards leave the shop class shortly before I met with Brian, Storme, and Matthew. I believe that Storme may have met with him and Duke Theodas was not pleased with the meeting.”
“Oh dear, what does that mean?” Amra looks worried.
“Duchess, I do not know. But Brian intends to meet his friends at Candy Cane Park this afternoon.”
“I’ll send a watcher to listen to their meeting. I must know what my brother is up to. I came here to get away from the plots and intrigue.”
After that, I changed back to raven and flew back to the school to retrieve my clothes and things. I dropped off of the roof and walked passed the locker rooms to cut through the field in the direction of the college. The park is on the other side. But who would step out of the locker room to block my path but Tommy Jensen. Even though one of his arms is in a cast, his other arm is strong enough to throw me across the room and by the look on his face, he was ready to do just that. He glared at me and said, “I hear that you have been busy, making a name for yourself. Pranking teachers, and your step-dad. Word is, that you may have caught the eye of that new cutie Amra.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes at this jerk. I can’t beat this guy on strength, but I can take this guy apart if I fight dirty. “Tommy, you heard wrong. The new girl turned me down hard. The Harpy wasn’t me at all, she just blamed me. Yeah, my dad was me, but the guy had it coming to him.”
Not about to be appeased, Tommy waved his hand as if to brush aside my words. “Nevertheless, you’re gaining a reputation and I am going to have to put you in the hospital. I’ll have one of my guys filming the whole thing. I’ll break your legs, and one of your arms. I’ll leave the other arm so you can wipe with that hand and eat with it. I’ll even leave you a tooth or two. You are going to have that fame that you are working for. But I’ll leave you looking freakier that you already do. What do you think of that?” He flexed his good arm to make his point.
I wanted to play dirty, right now. But if all he was going to do was talk, then I could wait for later. Oh, what the heck, the guys would wait. I bent over like I was having stomach pains. Then I pulled a can of Aquanet hairspray and a lighter out and lit it and blasted the flames in his face. He fell backward with his lashes and brows singed off. Then I pulled out my sock with a pool ball tied at the end and I took a back spin, whirling the ball in the sock and I cracked him in the diaphragm, knocking his wind out. Then I stepped in and kicked him between the legs and let him fall to the ground on his back. I pulled out my tube of icy hot and I dabbed a drop in the crook of his armpits. Then I rolled him on his belly and jerked his pants down and emptied the tube in his butt crack. I pulled out a black permanent marker and I wrote “sweet cheeks” on his butt, then I pulled his pants back up. I wouldn’t want to be accused of being indecent. If he did anything, that was on him.
Then I pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, grabbed his right hand, used his thumb-print to unlock his phone and setup a Facebook live video with the heading: “Mr. Sweet Cheeks”. Then I selected as many people that I could, including writing in Brian and Matthew, so they would know why I am late of course. One has to be considerate of others. Then I propped his phone on his book bag, to make sure that everyone could see the writing. By this time the icy hot was kicking in and Tommy was moaning in pain. In a few more minutes, I am sure that he would be screaming. The “lol’s” and laugh icons were beginning to pour in. I left him there in his agony. To meet my friends at the park. The school was surprisingly quiet at this time.

As I approach the park, I can hear the hysterical fits of laughter. First from the school, then as I pass the college, then as I approach Candy Cane Park. I can hear, Brian and Matthew laughing so hard that they wheeze at the end of their breath. There is one superpower​ that you can always attribute to a small town. Word carries fast. In the age of social media, you can’t stop news. But especially, you can’t stop humiliating news. That is true when you have Facebook Live and a bunch of bored, tight-knit​ people who all have cheap and easy internet and a lot of time on their hands. Now I can hear the laughter erupt in the local neighborhoods surrounding the park. I have probably signed my literal death warrant with this antic, but at least I will go out in style as a local legend.
I can now see Brian and Matthew on the ground, punching the grass in silent fits of laughter. They take a gasping breath as Brian exclaims, “Tommy still doesn’t realize that the video is still rolling!” I finally make it to them and as I finally get a view of Brian’s phone on the ground, I can see Tommy on all fours groaning and screaming. “Mr. Sweet Cheeks” reads quite clear on the screen. The viewer count read over four thousand viewers and the count climbs like microseconds as people are mentioning their friends and family. I make a Cheshire​ cat grin and I am feeling all warm and fuzzy inside even though I know that my next encounter with Tommy is going to be medieval.
From the video, Tommy’s phone begins to buzz. Apparently, one of his friends got his laughing under control enough to try to call and warn him. Tommy turns to reach for his phone. The phone turns around and I can hear a screech of rage. The phone turns around again and Tommy says to the camera in a livid rage, “Storme, if you are watching this. I am going to kill you in the worst way that I can possibly imagine and I’ll gladly serve time for it!” The video clicks off.
Brian and Matthew lay on the ground hiccuping and giggling. Brian takes another gasping breath and exclaims, “Oh my God, Storme. Tommy is going to kill you, but you are going to be a legend. You need to go on the run.”


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